I started kindergarten in Winnipeg, Manitoba when I was 4. From that day forward I have spent every “Tuesday after labour day” in a classroom: as a k-12 student, as an undergrad, as a grad student, or as a teacher. And, for the first time in 40 years I won’t be in a classroom this Tuesday.

I had my room all set up and ready to go, and for the first time in years it was all coming together. I was planning, prepping, and getting excited. I was looking forward to great collaborative projects with my colleagues and a major change in daily practice. I was excited about seeing new people in my building, and looking forward to new relationships and connections. But life changes on a dime and I am now on leave until the board can find a building that accommodates my evolving medical needs.

So I am in limbo. We traditionally keep our grade 7s into grade 8, and my 7s are expecting to return to my room. I’m crushed to not be there for ‘my’ kids on Tuesday. I feel like I’ve let them down, abandoned them. I feel guilty for leaving my admin and colleagues in the lurch, for the chaos that will happen Tuesday with so many questions from kids and parents. I’m not even attached to my school anymore, so I can’t be there to answer those questions and reassure them. I feel absolutely wretched.

The amazing team at the board may find a placement for me this week, or at the end of September when a school has a reorganization, or as of Christmas if someone retires…. They may even roll me into something at the board office temporarily. I may have to wait until next September to walk back into a classroom. But the thought of being away from grade 7 & 8 kiddoes for so long makes me physically ill.

Rather than give in to the guilt, I can try to view this as a sabbatical. If I’m off for more than a few days, I have a chance to explore my practice in a focussed way while I wait for a placement. I have a chance to learn so many new things. I can research new theories and techniques that will help me when I return to the classroom. I can read, and watch web seminars, and update all of my teaching files. It’s like the ultimate mid-career reset. It’s an amazing opportunity.

And it’s terrifying.

So to all those people who talk about all change being good, I still agree — it is good, but it definitely doesn’t feel good. Not at all.

Happy back to school, everyone. I wish I was going too.

MPJ